Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

Why Won t You Apologize Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts Renowned psychologist and bestselling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language I m sorry and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of

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  • Title: Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts
  • Author: Harriet Lerner
  • ISBN: 9781501129599
  • Page: 482
  • Format: Hardcover
  • Renowned psychologist and bestselling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language I m sorry and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trust.Dr Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies and why some people won t give them for than two decades Now she offers coRenowned psychologist and bestselling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language I m sorry and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trust.Dr Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies and why some people won t give them for than two decades Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we ve inflicted or received is far from simple Readers will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful I m sorry and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.Why Won t You Apologize also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party the one who has been hurt by someone who won t apologize, tell the truth, or feel remorse Lerner explains what drives both the non apologizer and the over apologizer, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind With her trademark humor and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity saving guide to setting things right.

    One thought on “Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts”

    1. "Why Won't You Apologized", examines "The Many Faces of 'I'm Sorry". For two decades Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies. She's learned a few things ---witnessed tremendous powerful rewards from a heartfelt apology-- as well as the damage a bad apology can cause. The healing power of a 'good' apology is immediately recognizable. Anger and resentment melts away. It feels better to be connected than disconnected.but as Harriet says, "we're all apology-challenged with certain people and in s [...]

    2. 3.5 "an important conversation to begin" stars !! All of us have been hurt by strangers and loved ones alike. These hurts take up a disproportionate amount of our interior lives and are sometimes the cause of dysfunctional ways of being in the world, in our relationships and with ourselves. Dr. Lerner begins a very important conversation about the nature of hurt, betrayals, apologies and forgiveness. She bitten off a huge topic and in a pleasant and vaguely helpful way discusses the nature of th [...]

    3. 5 stars. Harriet Lerner's latest book is filled with points on apology: the bogus apology, the overlong apology, holding off on the use of BUT and IF which are dealbreakers, and when and how to give and accept an olive branch. Earnest, honest considerate apologies retain connection in relationships, demonstrate respect and maturely express accountability. And most people have a hard time letting go to offer an apology- Lerner covers that and more in her very informative book. I was hoping to fin [...]

    4. Quick review for a quick read. It took me around 4 or so hours to read through this thought-provoking psychological read on the dissection of apologies. Topics that Harriet Lerner approaches in this book include what constitutes an apology (and what doesn't), what the types of apologies are, when and how to give them, why people don't give them, and the reception of apologies on a number of different levels. I also like the fact that this narrative mentions that you don't need to forgive someone [...]

    5. Sensible, clear and wise advice, with humour and honesty throughout. Just what I needed to read and think about. Many clear examples and suggested scripts. A balanced approach, without much of the quasi-mystical gobbledy-gook of many self-help books on this topic.

    6. A slender volume full of generous insights into good and bad apologies: how to frame a deeply meaningful one; how to identify “weaselly” insincere ones; when to accept, when not to, and how to go about it; how to express hurt and pain; how to hold the conversation that comes after; and what the elusive term “forgiveness” means and doesn’t mean. As to that last point, it’s a myth that “there’s no peace or healing without forgiveness.” Many paths roll up to the door of being able [...]

    7. Reading this book was kind of a wake-up call for me. Before I read this book, I couldn't even recall how many times in my life that I said "sorry" to the other people that they couldn't accept. I got hurt and frustrated so often thinking that the other party did not have the willingness to fix the problems while I wanted to. I would easily jump to conclusions that the other people were being difficult or they just wanted to prolong the fight. The thing was that I was never aware of how insincere [...]

    8. All the reasons why we don't want to or feel we should have to apologize and all the reasons why it's important to do provide an honest, heartfelt apology in the correct way.

    9. This book has powerful stories and solid theory about how much the simple apology matters and why we so often muck it up. The information and examples are presented with wit and intelligence. Lerner explains how to craft a deeply meaningful “I’m sorry” and avoid making mistakes that only deepen the original injury. She offers a unique perspective and reminds us that as human beings we are going to make mistakes and we are going to feel wronged. This is a book we must all have as a resource [...]

    10. I love Harriet Lerner. Her stories and examples and insights are so spot-on, funny and applicable. I feel like I just got 10 therapy sessions for free by reading this book.

    11. Wow. Just, wow. I wasn't expecting much from this book; although I know Lerner's reputation, I'd not read any of her long-form work, and had no idea how wise she is. This is not your garden-variety self-help, self-shrink book.This is written for two audiences -- those need to learn how to apologize better and those who need to know how to live without getting the exact apologies (or any apologies) they believe or feel they need.Lerner, the expert on the psychological underpinnings of anger, fear [...]

    12. I thought I had a pretty good practical understanding of forgiveness, generosity, and apology. Boy did I learn so much more from this book. Lerner treats concepts like forgiveness, compassion, and empathy with truth and grace, showing us that ideas that, for example, encourage us to always forgive in order to heal ourselves, are potentially problematic and harmful, and at best unhelpful. I loved this book for its intellectual takeaways, but also for the practical tools I can put into practice im [...]

    13. I loved the sections that were on apologies - the first half of the book and the last chapter. Those I would give 5 stars for being accessible, helpful, and interesting. The middle part of the book, on forgiveness, seemed not to fit at all. Three stars at best for that part. Lerner seemed to throw out all religious reasons for forgiveness, or the long history of forgiveness in religious tradition - which would have made her exploration of forgiveness as practice much more well-rounded.

    14. This book is a pretty light read. It aggregates simple concepts and makes them very easy to understand; it does not offer a solution but it offers a lot of tools to reach a settlement with oneself. A very good basic read

    15. Everyone could learn from this: the simplicity of a heartfelt apology, the qualifiers that make a bad one ("I'm sorry if" or "I'm sorry but"), the importance of timing, nonapologizers (usually men), overapologizers (usually women), the decision of forgiveness (and what forgiveness really means) and how to try to mend long-simmering wrongs, minimize ongoing conflicts or atone for huge mistakes.

    16. This was a great book about how apologies should work, and the many reasons they don't, between mostly functional human beings who usually care about each other, and when (and when not) to forgive someone.I like to say that a real apology has five parts: 1) the words "I'm sorry" or "I apologize," 2) a description of what offence was committed, 3) an acknowledgement of the damage that offence caused, 4) a promise not to do it again, and 5) some kind of description of how that promise will be kept [...]

    17. Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner is very highly recommended, accessible discourse on apologies. This is a practical guide that anyone can understand and benefit from. The information and examples are presented with wit and intelligence. Why Won't You Apologize? would be a great addition to anyone's self-help library.Through stories and examples Dr. Lerner explores the healing power of a good apology, how important apologies are, how to craft a [...]

    18. There is so much wisdom here! I will read this book again. Much of the content has lead me to really challenge my own behaviour in my relationships and has fostered compassion for those in my life who struggle with apologies. The one major flaw of this book was some of the content in the end. Loved her perspective on forgiveness but was a bit frustrated by the lack of practical guidance on how to let go of unproductive anger and bitterness. Dr. Lerner kept encouraging the reader to let go of unp [...]

    19. Mrs. Lerner's ability to clearly articulate what I have been trying to express for years is fantastic. She completely and fully describes what she deems defensive "non-apologies," (AKA "sorry if what I said made you upset" and "sorry you feel that way," among others). The reasons these "apologies"have always seemed hollow to me is because they shift responsibility and place a burden on the person who has been wronged! She even describes over-apologizing as well as addressing underlying issues du [...]

    20. Audiobook. One of my favourite narrators.I really enjoyed this book. It deals with both sides of the equation, being the person giving the apology and the person receiving the apology. There's a lot of wisdom on relationships in this book that goes beyond apologies. One idea that stuck with me was how shame can interfere with our ability to apologize. When we have done something shameful it can be hard to be accountable to it, we keep justifying the shameful action, to weasel out of it. We give [...]

    21. RATING: 4 STARS(Review Not on Blog)The hardest thing about being hurt or betrayed is when that person does not apologize. Them not asking for forgiveness means that they are admitting that the hurt occurred. It's hard to move on and heal when you start to get obsessed over getting that apology. You relive the that moment over and over again trying to get something you may not ever get. And there is also the easy forgiveness that does not hold any significance. Saying, "sorry" nonchalantly only m [...]

    22. Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say but the book provides some very practical advice of how to say it right. I am glad to know that even if a person apologises, the other has the right not to forgive. We should not apologise in the hope that we will be forgiven. Apology is one thing and forgiveness is another and they don't have an absolute casual relationship. Instead of thinking about saying sorry, I'd rather talk and act with care so as not to hurt others' feeling. It's like the nail in [...]

    23. Reading this book has already strengthened several relationships in my life. It's so, so much more than your typical advice on apologizes and forgiveness. It inspires you to be a more generous, understanding, big hearted human being. There are so many people I want to (and will) recommend this to.

    24. Harriet Lerner's writing is to the point. You might look at the size of this book & think "There can't really be anything in something so small," but you'd be wrong. Lerner doesn't waste time with her language. She doesn't step around hard issues, like affairs or molestation. And she doesn't step around the intricacies of apologies, of what makes an apology, of why you may never receive an apology & how to deal with that, & the fact that you don't need to forgive in order to move for [...]

    25. Harriet Lerner does an excellent job of dissecting and analyzing why we can be reluctant to apologize, how we "faux apologize," and what a genuine apology consists of. There was so much of what she touched on that resonated with my experience, both as apologizer and apologizee.There was, however, a point in which Harriet and I diverged: forgiveness. She vehemently maintains that forgiveness is not necessary for healing, which I vehemently disagree with. In listening to her reasoning, I found tha [...]

    26. I have to say, of all the chapters in this book, I liked the ones about forgiveness the best.I'll show my ass here and admit that I regularly watch Dr. Phil. I tend not to take too much of what he says seriously, but one of the things that always seriously bug me about his show is how he almost bullies some of his guests into forgiving people who have wronged them. And he uses some of the same language that the author used as an example here, most of it amounting to, "If you don't forgive them y [...]

    27. Now, here's a book that everyone should read.I for one am an incredibly stubborn and prideful person. Even when I know an apology for something I've done is in order, I find the words stick in my throat and I find myself rationalizing just why it is I don't -really- need to give an apology. Worse than that, I found myself neatly categorized in this book for my propensity to say, "I'm sorry, BUT" and neatly turn the blame on others. There were actually multiple instances in this book upon reading [...]

    28. I really enjoyed this book and took it from the library as I have a terrible time of letting go of past injuries and insults, abuse, neglect and other assorted 'not so nice ' human behaviors that I have had to deal with from my childhood on up.This book is very balanced and there isn't a lot of finger pointing - she has compassion on those who do things that aren't kind and some are just down right awful, but she makes no excuse for doing things you know you shouldn't ( sleeping with someone's h [...]

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